Therapy for Adult Children of Parents with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD)

Parenting is complicated, and there are no perfect parents. Healthy parenting requires a balance of love, support, and guidance. It also requires the ability to self-reflect and the ability to repair relationships when mistakes are made. However, parents who suffer from narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), are not able to fulfill the role of emotionally healthy parents. 

Parents with NPD are instead so consumed by their own internal world, they do not have room to consider the needs of their children. Additionally, parents with NPD lack empathy. They don’t have the desire to understand the emotional needs of their children, and they are unaffected by the negative impact their behavior has on them.

So, what is narcissistic personality disorder exactly?

Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental health condition characterized by an inflated sense of self-importance, a constant need for admiration, and a lack of empathy for others. Individuals with NPD often believe they are special and better than others, have a preoccupation with fantasies of unlimited success or beauty, and a belief that it is acceptable to exploit others in order to meet their own needs. When these traits manifest in parenting, the consequences for children can be quite devastating. (Quick note- like all mental health disorders, NPD can only be actually diagnosed by a mental health professional. Whether or not your parent has an official diagnosis of NPD, I hope you find this information helpful.)

Emotional neglect and manipulation: the foundation of NPD parenting

Children of parents with NPD often find themselves in a world where their emotional needs are neglected. The self-centered focus of the narcissistic parent results in them being emotionally unavailable to their children. Without empathy, one does not care about the inner experience of another; even if that other is their child. This emotional neglect can lead to a profound sense of loneliness and low self-worth for the children of parents with NPD.

Moreover, narcissistic parents willingly manipulate their children to meet their own emotional needs. They often use guilt, shame, or emotional blackmail to control their children. This fosters a toxic dynamic that erodes the child's sense of self-worth. This can result in the child developing people pleasing behaviors by constantly seeking approval and validation, trapped in a cycle of trying to please an unpleasable parent.

How do you develop your own sense of self when your NPD parent constantly tells you who you are?

Children of narcissistic parents often struggle with their sense of self. The constant need for approval and validation from an NPD parent can result in them learning to suppress their own thoughts and opinions that differ from their NPD parent. They may find themselves defined by the expectations and desires of their narcissistic parent, leading to a distorted self-image and a lack of confidence in their own abilities.

As a result, the children of NPD parents may grow into adults with low self-esteem, plagued by self-doubt and a persistent fear of failure. Without therapy, the long-term impact on their relationships, career, and overall well-being can be profound.

NPD parents love you when you’re perfect, except sometimes they don’t

NPD parents demand perfection from their children and are not afraid to make their disappointment known. This unattainable goal of perfection is not only a recipe for failure, but also the roadmap to becoming a perfectionist as an adult. It normalizes the drive to constantly focus on obtaining perfection at all costs.

The NPD parent creates the narrative that they will show their child all the love and affection they desire if only their child could just be better. So, the child grows up believing that any rejection they experience is a direct result of their own failures and inadequacies. This can lead to feelings of depression and anxiety, and a chronic pattern of staying in toxic relationships for far too long.

How to begin healing yourself

Breaking free from the cycle of narcissistic parenting is a challenge, but it is possible. Recognizing the impact of your narcissistic parent’s behaviors is the first step towards healing. Therapy can help you better identify abusive and dysfunctional behaviors that are commonly demonstrated by NPD parents, normalized in families with a narcissistic parent, and destructive to your current life and relationships.

In therapy, I help the adult children of parents with narcissistic personality disorder grieve the loss of the parent they should have had, explore what boundaries they would like to set with their NPD parent, and help teach them skills to implement those desired boundaries. I also help the clients I work with improve their self-confidence, discover their own self-identity, develop healthier boundaries in their personal and professional relationships, and learn healthy ways to manage stress. Interested in learning more about my passion for working with this population? Click here.